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ABOUT ME SOME WORDS TO MAKE IT LOOK HOW IT WILL ACTUALLY LOOK

This is probably the million-dollar question, right? I even got asked it by a younger dude (early 30s) I picked up at a party last year. Super cute and hot guy who was very wise for his age it turns out. In this blog post I am going to pass on my experiences of why it’s so different to date in your forties than in your twenties or thirties. That is, once you’ve got at least one long-term relationship, and having kids out of the way—if you wanted them. If not then congrats, you’re even more free and single than I am. 

1. Dating at over 40; you’re not looking for someone to have children with

Most women who date at over 40 have had children, if they wanted them and good for you if you didn’t too by the way! This sometimes creates a father floating around in the background. Whether he’s a good father or not is another question, but he’s there. And, on the other hand, if you haven’t already had kids you’ve probably come to terms with the fact that you won’t now have them. We can therefore put ourselves and our sex drive first, and go out with totally hot yet inappropriate people guys. I’m not sure if it is a thing, but my sex drive in my 40s, coming out of a sexless relationship by the end of it, went into total sexual overdrive. I was looking for guys to have fun with. Guys to jump into bed with. Guys who were too young, too old, or too complicated, but very sexy. I enjoyed it and I still say this: being single now, unexpectedly in your forties or beyond, is the time to try all those complex combinations you never thought you’d get the chance to because you used to be in a long-term relationship.

2. Dating at over 40; more confidence in bed. Or even a sexual awakening

That leads us to the next topic. Once you do find that inappropriate or appropriate person to jump into bed with, the chances are you know more about what you do and don’t like than at 20. I personally had a load of bad sex in my 20s, mainly one night stands that happened after clubbing or other nights out when I was too drunk to let my usual rules on guys apply. I wasn’t very sexual actually at that age, which is another long story, but of course alcohol would lower my inhibitions, some hot guy would approach me or I’d approach them, and before I knew it I’d be waking up in some random person’s bed at 6am the next morning naked and totally hungover. 

After my long term relationship ended, which anyway had pretty standard boring sex involved (of which I know I was at least 50% to blame), I decided that any sex I was going to have from then on was going to be good. I don’t know why, but I could suddenly let go more and enjoy it fully. I got more confidence in what my body could do, helped by birthing out two sons from my vagina most probably, and I could express what I wanted or didn’t want more. Having done it myself, I’d recommend you do whatever you have always dreamed of before getting into some new long term relationship– sex club, outdoor sex, sex with MUCH younger guys, ropes, whips, bondage, threesomes, Shibari, whatever you want to try. There will definitely be some willing guy to try it all out with. On apps like Feeld, you can even state what you’re into or want to try and see who takes the bait, ah I mean matches with you of course. So, you know, enjoy your sexuality.

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3. Dating at over 40; knowing what to give a sh*t about

Most women who date at over 40 have had children, if they wanted them and good for you if you didn’t too by the way! This sometimes creates a father floating around in the background. Whether he’s a good father or not is another question, but he’s there. And, on the other hand, if you haven’t already had kids you’ve probably come to terms with the fact that you won’t now have them. We can therefore put ourselves and our sex drive first, and go out with totally hot yet inappropriate people guys. I’m not sure if it is a thing, but my sex drive in my 40s, coming out of a sexless relationship by the end of it, went into total sexual overdrive. I was looking for guys to have fun with. Guys to jump into bed with. Guys who were too young, too old, or too complicated, but very sexy. I enjoyed it and I still say this: being single now, unexpectedly in your forties or beyond, is the time to try all those complex combinations you never thought you’d get the chance to because you used to be in a long-term relationship.

4. Dating at over 40; natural selection of mates while being masters of multi-tasking

You are the master at multi-tasking. You used to think that writing down your dinner shopping list while at work was quite clever in your 20s and 30s. Now you run your own life, probably a fulltime job or freelance, sometimes date, keep the home liveable in (we didn’t say always the cleanest because who has time for that nowadays), you probably still run the majority of your kids’ lives if you have them which means extra hospital and school appointments, packing a gym and art bag on the right days, and picking them up from school when the school calls they’re sick then doing your client meetings while dosing them up on child paracetamol hoping they sleep so jamima doesn’t make a guest appearance on your client call. All that multi-tasking also means you will be a lot more selective about mates in both senses of the words; from friends to lovers. If they’re not around enough or can’t add something to your life, or expect you to make all the plans and efforts then they’re out. Aint nobody got time for that, right on sisters.

Check out my social post: aint nobody got time for that @AtoZdatingover40 

5. Dating at over 40; embrace all the faces of your new ‘back out there’ persona

Sometimes dating at over forty can feel a bit surreal. I mean there you were, with your long-term partner or the father of your children, thinking that this was the next 30 years of your life. And now suddenly, here you are dating again. Getting dressed up, wearing lingerie, getting nervous, doing first dates which are kind of like blind dates and can be terrifying, telling people some of your life story, letting people into your life again, all the things that at one point you felt you’d put behind you for good. Kissing new guys – also terrifying while it can be lovely. There are two ways to approach this – to find it surreal and run for the hills screaming never to be seen in society again. Or to embrace it all, every experience, heartbreak, shit date, great person, boring conversation, jumping right in, the bad or good sex that you come by—all the while learning everything you can about what you now want from these new experiences. It can make you feel very alive and empowered if you let it. Remember life is for living (not sticking your head in the sand and pretending your new self doesn’t exist).

I wish you luck on your over forty dating journey. I’m not going to tell you it will be easy. It can be daunting. It will be confronting. But faced the right way, it will also be a whole load of new fun experiences to draw on throughout your life. Go forth and date, my women.

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