Color sign saying live color fully

Blog

HOW TO DEAL WITH BEING FRIEND-ZONED WHEN DATING AND OVER 40

What exactly is the friend zone? Let me explain a little about it…

The friend zone. What a shitty zone to be put in when you’re ready to meet someone you like and have a relationship with. It’s the place you get banished to with the words ‘I’m too busy to date right now, but I’d love to be your friend.’ Or maybe you’ve used the line yourself to let someone down gently that you just weren’t into. 

Here’s the real truth about friend-zoning, why and how it can happen, and how to look at it in a positive light when it does—especially when you’re over 40.

Me and my history with dating and the friend-zone

I have always been totally rubbish at being friends with guys so up to the past two years of my dating life, it didn’t happen very often. I’m especially shit at being ‘just friends’ when I have had a fling or a relationship with someone. Until recently that is… Apparently what needed to happen was: to turn 40, and to meet a whole lot more men than I usually do in a short space of time via dating app dating, and then to actually like some after any sexual attraction had finally worn off. Go figure.

Whether friend-zoning or being friend-zoned on dates, it can be confronting

I’ve made probably 5 new guy friend-zone friends on my latest dating adventures. All of whom I dated (or at least tried to). A few at the beginning I friend-zoned myself. The first time it happened, the guy was lovely to date. A ‘Good Guy’. Yet he wanted more than I could give him as at that stage I didn’t want a full relationship since I didn’t feel ready for it after my break-up, and he did. We dated for about 3 months anyway, slept together for a while, and then it just didn’t feel right for either of us so we broke it off. But we had this massive love of dancing and going out together. So we started hanging out and going to dance music festivals, other music events, or just having lunch together once in a while. In the end he met another woman who was more what he was looking for anyway, and we’re still friends. And we still go out together sometimes. It’s great.

curls_left_green

Why can’t men and women be friends if, for whatever reason, dating doesn’t work out?

The second guy, I met for a drink in a local bar and I friend-zoned him almost immediately. He just wasn’t my physical type. When we started talking on the date, I realised that we both had a click in the spiritual/conscious realm. And he was highly intellectual and interesting to talk to. He just wasn’t a father, I was a busy single mother, etc, etc. We chatted and laughed together a good few hours, and when we parted ways that night we both felt we’d had a really good time. While the spark wasn’t there for me romantically, after a couple of weeks went by I got back in touch and asked if he wanted to be my friend (and I really meant it: he was so interesting, kind, zen and intelligent). We began to hang out together in a friendly way. He now often messages me to tell me to take cold showers, watch my sleep habits, and eat well—so that I can feel as good as he does all day long. He’s that kind of inspiring and caring reference-book friend. We all need some of those in our lives 🙂

When I got friend zoned and at over 40…

The next two guys, they friend-zoned ME. That was a bit of a shock to the system. On the other hand there was probably some serious friend-zone karma needed back my way.

One I was quite excited about dating because I’d actually got to know him IRL (in real life) which means at least I knew we chatted well together, there was some level of chemistry, and I found him attractive.  We arranged to do an activity date (which is one of my favourite types of first dates since the activity takes all the pressure off that first meeting). However, just before we met up he told me he’d gone exclusive with someone he’d met a few months before. He suggested we could still meet as friends, and that was great because he’s a climber, and I need all the pointers on bouldering I can get off anyone willing to give them to me!! We do that together sometimes, and I told him he could be my fun activity buddy anytime.

The next guy I met, Argentinian, a little younger than me, and while not my usual type I found him very attractive. We chatted on and off a Dutch dating app for months and I was just really curious if we’d get on in person. But I always had this vibe while we were chatting, which matched with when I met him by the way, that he just wasn’t into getting something really going romantically. He was not into having a relationship with someone new when we talked about it around 3 dates in, he had lots going on and maybe I’m not his usual type either. But we started to hang out a lot because we got on so well, and we still swap music suggestions, books and intelligent conversation almost daily. We vibe in a lot of areas. I guess it means we just won’t go into the sexual one.

No half-assed s*xual or FWB affairs, thank you

I’ve now got to the point on my dating adventures where I’d rather have nothing than some half-assed affair or fling where I’m left wondering where I stand. I can thank an Ethical Non Monogamous (ENM) guy I dated most of last year for getting me to that particular place. Before that  encounter, I was a lot more open to whatever came my way, sexually. But I already know by now that I am the kind of woman who gets attached to guys when we match well in bed, and I can end up wanting more than they want to give. Mr ENM? Well he did want to be friends with me when it ended, yet so far I haven’t felt like meeting up with him again. Maybe I will in the future, he’s a very inspiring and caring person. It just ended kind of strangely.

 

So in conclusion about the friend-zone, it can be great if you can make it work

So, in conclusion, I’ve been on both sides of the friend-zone fence. 

It never works when there are too many feelings involved, or if one person doesn’t treat the other one well. It doesn’t often work either if you were FWBs, because despite the ‘friends’ in that acronym, there isn’t a lot of friendship in those sexual encounters. And I don’t want to f*ck my friends, quite frankly. That’s why we’re friends rather than romantically involved with each other.

It’s a really good testament to our age, over forty, to be able to rise above, be mature, and figure out that some people really are better as friends. For me, it gave me the chance to refill some of the gaping friendship holes that the COVID times left in my life—did anyone else lose a load of friends during those lockdown isolation times? I really lost some for a while there!

Whether friend-zoning or being put in the friend zone yourself, take a moment to consider if you really want this person in your life. Perhaps they can add something. Perhaps you have enough friends already. And if you’re not feeling it, then ditch them altogether because time, especially over forty, is precious.

LATEST

BLOGPOSTS

Dating

Life is too short for boring dates so here’s how to avoid them

Life is too short for boring dates. This has always been a motto of mine, and the more dates I go on, the more I stand by it. Life at over forty is busy, there are kids, exes, school, shopping, cleaning, and even my house to get clean and right. So here’s some quick ways to banish ‘boring date’ from your vocab.

Read More »

Connect

   Instagram

  Twitter

  Tiktok

SHARE this page